The #1 Thing a Woman Can Do to Connect With a Man She’s Dying to Meet

By Kathy Schwadel
Did you know that three out of four men have no clue when you are flirting with them? This interesting tidbit comes from social scientist Richard Bandler and should be of great interest to all you hair twisting, lip licking females out there. Simply put, a few provocative gestures are not enough to get an interested guy off his keister and into your personal space. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, if she’s not ready to approach him herself, there is another option. Because men fear rejection from a woman, more than from any other living, breathing entity on this planet, you must lay out a welcome mat, so large and so inviting, he can’t help but want to sink his toes into it. Remember, you can always do nothing and chances are someone will walk over—but will it be the one who rings your chimes? Glib and obnoxious males, the kind who maneuver through scores of women each night, don’t need a signal from you. But an appealing, thoughtful, discriminating man is likely to be riddled with negative, self-defeating thoughts that will stop him in his tracks; he’ll double think himself, and, boor that he’s not, will fear encroaching on your space. This sort of man needs a clear sign.

In fact, he needs a lot of clear signs.

According to Dr. Monica Moore, a social scientist from Webster University, “women who performed more than thirty-five flirting displays per hour elicited greater than four approaches per hour.” So if you’re focused on one guy in particular, that would be approximately eight flirting gestures, aimed directly at him. The key is variety and quantity, according to Dr. Moore, who spent over 2000 hours in malls, bars and parties to determine exactly what it takes to propel the guy you have your eye on in your direction.

She found that there are a total of fifty-two distinct, non-verbal, solicitation gestures, which men recognize as flirting, when directed at them. The number one way a woman can make her interest crystal clear, is to employ several of them, over and over, at her target. It must register with him, that he is the one who is making you fidgety. These gestures include:

  • Short, darting glances, where you fix your eyes on him, look away and look back.
  • Primping and preening—smoothing out your skirt, straightening your collar, adjusting your neckline, etc.
  • Tilting your head to the side, or pulling up your hair, to expose your neck (a sign of vulnerability).
  • Holding his glance for more than a few seconds.
  • Playing with keys.
  • Taking your rings on and off.
  • Stroking a part of your body.
  • Smiling coyly—or fully, if you can handle it.
  • Tossing your hair.
  • Aligning your body so it faces, and even mirrors, his stance.
  • Playing with strands of your hair.
  • Licking your lips.

The trick is to engage in the three or four motions you feel most comfortable with and to repeat them until he gets it. In the meantime, if another male approaches you, appear friendly and polite; show your target you are not the rejecting type.

And, the best news of all? You don’t have to be the prettiest gal in the room to get your guy. Dr. Moore found that “men are more receptive to high-flirtation women who are average or even less than average-looking, than they are to women who are more attractive, but who emit fewer signals.”

It’s not who’s most appealing, but who’s most inviting. This contradicts the view, long-held by evolutionary psychologists—and most females—that women with the most symmetrical features, or the best waist-to-hip ratios (hourglass bodies) will attract the most men. So, if a few extra pounds have you second-guessing yourself, don’t give up: Make your moves, and the curvaceous ice maiden standing a few feet away is toast.

Statistics also show that you’ll increase your chances of a successful hook-up, if you flirt with men who are on somewhat of the same attractiveness level as you. Studies of couples conducted by the Social Issues Research Center (SIRC) indicate “most successful marriages and long-term relationships are between partners of equally good looks.”

But don’t shoot too low. According to the SIRC, “over eighty percent of women have a poor body-image, and underestimate their attractiveness,” so they advise that if you’re female, chances are that you are more better-looking than you think you are, so try flirting with some better-looking men.M.

So, now you know exactly how to catch his eye and send out that compelling welcome mat. Is it a lock that he’ll walk over? Unfortunately, no. Men are only human, and prone to self-doubt, shyness and other distractions, just as women are.

Is there a way to guaranteed way to connect with a man you’re dying to meet? Sure. Make that first move yourself.

You’ll find plenty of clever, subtle, funny, bold, direct, irreverent and simply delightful ways to do it at Nice men tend to second guess themselves. They’re loathe to intrude on your space, they figure you’re not interested (because they tend not to recognize flirtation signals), they assume you’re taken or they fear you’re way out of their leagues—and they freeze, just like women do. Don’t let another good man get away! Engage him in small talk or, if it’s your style, some clever reparté; if the attraction is mutual, it’s all you need. If not, move on, with your ego preserved.

Want a fabulous relationship? Remember: You have the power to create it.

Kathy Schwadel is the author of Grab Your Tiger: How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of Their Dreams. Free excerpts from the book plus tips on how to recognize the body language of an interested guy are at

Kathy Schwadel, a New York City Author and Relationship Coach, has counseled men and women on how to find lasting love for nearly a decade. She is the author of the recently published Grab Your Tiger: How 110 Women Made the First Move to Capture the Men of Their Dreams, available at, which includes vital tips on how to connect with the opposite sex and over a dozen inspiring relationship stories. She has interviewed over 300 men on what prompts them to make—and not make—the first move, and has compiled a database of successful ways women can initiate contact from 628 true stories submitted to her over a two-year period. A Psychology graduate from Columbia University, and author of Keen on New York Survey of Top-Rated Services, Kathy directed her research skills to the subject of love and romance at age 45, because of personal circumstances: She was fed up with the quality of the men she was dating. Her increased understanding of why men act the way they do, led her to seek out a divorced father of two sons (too shy to have approached her first), and they married when she was 49—her very first marriage. She shares her insights, as well as proven and practical ways for men and women to make that crucial initial contact, in workshops and lectures throughout NYC. Have a relationship question? Send it to ‘Ask Kathy’ at

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