By Lisa Daily
Every week I receive hundreds of letters from readers asking for dating advice. Some are strange. Some are sad. Most are problems we’ve all heard and experienced before: Cheating. Breakup Sex. Chorophobia. (Fear of dancing.) Here are some of my favorite letters of the last year. After all, if we forget our mistakes, we are doomed (doomed, darling!) to repeat them.
A year and a half ago I met a nice guy traveling in my home country. We talked all night and then he continued on his trip. We kept in touch by e-mailing all this time. A month ago I was visiting him in his country for two days, and he wanted to sleep with me. I said no. However, I am going to see him again, and I believe, he will ask for sex again. I don’t know if I should or should not. I am attracted to him, and I do want him, but I know that after that night there will be no lasting relationship. So should I do it just for fun or would it be better to avoid it?
One Night or Goodnight?
Wow, that’s a tough one. As a matter of principle, I do believe that all women should have 1) a good investment plan, 2) at least one pair of divine, to-die-for, utterly fabulous shoes that make you feel so marvelous you could tango with Prince William, and 3) one night of wild, crazy “can’t-believe-I-did-that” with a foreign hottie you’ll probably never see again.
Whether or not you should go for it with him depends on three factors:
First, you’re looking at it as one-night-only deal, and not a potential relationship, and you still want to do it anyway.
Second, doing the deed won’t send you into a post-nookie, guilt-ridden, emotional tailspin involving self-loathing, two gallons of Chunky Monkey and 812 “Hail Marys.”
And last, you have a box of condoms in your purse.
I like this guy and he seems to like me but won’t make a move. How can I be sure he really likes me?
If he really likes you, he’ll make a move.
I was involved in an emotional affair with a married coworker. We were once best friends, and talked about everything. We had an attraction long before my divorce, but as I went through it she was my main support. I know stupid thing to do, get emotionally attached to a married woman.
Around that time we went out for beers, and she began telling me stuff like she had an affair a week into her marriage. I became uncomfortable and told her as a joke that years from now when her daughter turned eighteen I was going to pursue her, to cut the tension. Her response was “you will be her stepfather by then.” There has always been something between us, a mutual attraction. I left the evening at that and went home alone.
A few months later, she helped me deal with the heart attack and open- heart surgery of my father. I gave her a very personal card, stating I could not see my life without her in it, and she would never know what she means to me. This card is in her office in a drawer.
She called me up as she was going home one daybecause she’d been in a minor car wreck. She said she couldn’t get her husband on cell and wanted me to come down. I got there and she told me I had to leave because her husband was coming. I became mad, figuring she was playing some kind of game with me, and told our boss. (Who since we are all friends, decided to not make a big deal of it.) I told her to leave me alone (first smart thing I ever did). She was made to move out of the office we shared.
That November a close friend of mine we work with was pregnant. The lady in question organized the shower. The day of the shower, she smiled real big at me and actually made eyecontact, I walked away from her.
Am I being stupid in believing this woman with whom I had an emotional affair still has feelings for me? I believe she still does. I have been catching her looking at me when she is talking to others, and recently in a staff meeting we were across from each other and she was mirroring me perfectly. I know it’s stupid to get involved with a confused married woman, but I believe she is as confused about me as I am her. I am just leaving her alone, hoping one day she will come to me.
What do I do?
What you have here, darling, is an illicit affair without the torrid sex.
This relationship spells trouble on so many levels. First, she’s married. Whether you’ve made some sort of connection or not, you should not even consider pursuing her until herdivorce is final.
Second, she’s someone you work with. Third, she’s playing around with your head.
My guess is that she’s a little bored in her marriage, or maybe even genuinely unhappy, so instead of working on the problems at home, she uses you as a little emotional pick-me-up. (Like shopping, or chocolate) You flirt with her, tell her how crazy you are about her and then she backs off before things get too serious (in her mind.) Here’s a little wake-up call for you: A relationship that starts as an affair has a 95% chance of failing within a year. That means, you’re wasting all of this emotional distress on a woman with whom you only have a 5% chance of a successful relationship. And, the fact that she cheated on her husband in the first week is a clear indication to me that your odds are probably a whole lot worse than that.
Move on with your life, she’s jerking you around. Even if she left her husband, and the two of you started a relationship, I guarantee she’ll cheat on you as well. It’s just a matter of time.
The sooner you get this toxic woman out of your life, the sooner you can meet someone with whom you can start a real, lasting relationship.
I’ve had trouble trusting my man in the past with calling his old girlfriend and then lying to me about it. I thought he had stopped. I got his cell phone records and, even though he swears he hasn’t talked to her in six months, I found a 45-minute phone call last month. Fortunately, there were no other calls to her in that month. We are engaged and are planning a November wedding. What do I do now? Thanks!
One sentence in and I’m already smelling doom. People don’t generally lie when they have nothing to hide. Your guy is hiding something, and I think you already know what it is. The reason you are having trouble trusting your man is because he is clearly untrustworthy. He’s lying to you, the most crystal-clear indicator of untrustworthiness on the planet. You’re just a few months away from getting married and yet you find yourself combing through his cell-phone bill looking for evidence of what you already know is true. Do you really want to spend the rest of your digging through his pockets or his glove box, looking for hotel receipts or condom wrappers and monitoring every trip he makes to the Piggly Wiggly? Of course not!
Trust your instincts, they’re doing you a favor. Call off the wedding and get out of this relationship while you still can. A gold ring and a new gravy boat won’t change him into the man you wish he could be. He’ll still be the same guy who lies about calling his ex.
About Lisa Daily
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped! All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry “The One” in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere. As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and Ricki Lake Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter – chock-full of man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com/
(C) Copyright 2004 by Lisa Daily