This Week’s Question
Hey. Just want to say that your tips about being cocky funny really helped me. I actually have two (or three?) women fighting over me, and it was only like a year ago that I would be lucky if a woman ever talked to me for more than 5 minutes. But I still have one problem. Your tips only help with _ of the women out there. No matter how attracted the other ladies can be to me, I still can’t get this one chick to like me. She’s the quiet type and your tips don’t seem to work on her. Why does it never work for the woman you want? HELP!!
This is one of those questions that I get all the time, in one form or another. It seems that no matter how successful some guys become with women, they just can’t feel satisfied…
They always want that one particular girl… and of course, she usually doesn’t want him.
You have 2 (or 3) women FIGHTING over you right now, but you don’t want THEM. You want some other girl who is playing hard to get (or who just isn’t interested in you for whatever reason). And it was just a year ago when you would have been “lucky to have a woman talk to you for more than 5 minutes”.
Am I the only one who finds this amusing? (It doesn’t sound like you find it very amusing.)
The reason that I chose to feature this question in this Q&A Dating Tip is because it illustrates a couple of very important concepts that are right in front of us, but difficult to see.
Here they are in a nutshell:
- We humans want what we don’t or can’t have far more than we want what’s freely available to us.
- The more you WANT a woman (and the more she knows that you want her), the less likely you are to ever get her…(see #1 for more info).
It’s kind of a feedback loop, see? So what can you do about it?
- Notice that desire is increased in proportion to lowered availability. THIS GOES BOTH WAYS, by the way.
- Stop acting like you WANT something, and there’s a good chance that the availability will go up.
- Keep improving your skills and success, and focus on what’s working for you… and let that success give you the strength to not NEED anything
So I mentioned that desire is increased in proportion to lower availability. Think for a moment: Have you ever had a girlfriend who was away for some period of time? Or maybe a long-distance relationship?
Can you remember the feeling of missing her growing stronger the longer she was away?
Now, can you remember after you were together again how that feeling went away… to the point where you forgot to treasure every moment together because it wasn’t perceived as a rare event?
Most of us can identify with these situations. Well, the same dynamics play themselves out in new relationships as well.
If you meet a woman, and she knows that you like her, she’s going to be more likely to “play hard to get”, resist you, etc. because there’s no challenge involved. You’re easy, and she knows it. And to women, EASY doesn’t equal INTERESTING.
Next, there’s the idea that we humans tend to be attracted to others who DON’T show us the normal,kind level of butt-kissing approval that most others do. If someone doesn’t instantly act nice and friendly, we feel inside that something must be wrong, and we need to do something about it. Most people are insecure at the deepest levels, and they want everyone to like them.
Here’s the kicker: If you, as a man, REALLY like a particular woman, then she’s probably going to figure it out in one way or another. For instance, in the letter above it’s pretty clear that there’s some frustration and emotion being felt. It’s obvious that someone’s into someone, here. Well, she probably knows this as well… so all of the things that you’re trying are coming across as “chocolate covered wuss”, and not authentic.
I often get emails that say “I met this girl that I really like… and she’s really hot… what should I do different so I can get her?”
And, of course, I write back with:
“Don’t do ANYTHING different. But if you HAVE TO, then you should LAY BACK a little bit. Call her less than you would call normally. See her less. Play hard to get a little more, if anything.” The idea here is that you need to demonstrate SELF CONTROL, indifference, and challenge. Remember, the really attractive women are approached all the time, and they tune out overly-interested, needy guys who are obsessing over them almost INSTANTLY.
Finally, I suggest that you keep improving your skills and focus on what is working… and your success…this way you won’t NEED anything else. Most humans are walking around unfulfilled… and it’s obvious that they are looking for something to fill up that empty part of them. A lot of guys try to fill that part up with a WOMAN. When a person doesn’t feel fulfilled, they tend to act kind of obsessive, neurotic, and sometimes a little bit unstable. And when you’re feeling NEEDY, it comes across in your communications with women. On the other hand, if you learn to focus on your success in life and inner fulfillment, then you won’t come across as NEEDY when you meet a special woman. She’ll just be another woman who happens to have been lucky enough to be born with good genes… and if she is a nice person as well, then maybe you’d be interested in getting to know her better.
See what I mean? It’s a VERY powerful mindset. And it will come across loud and clear with women when you can “get it.”
So, in summary, I’d say that if my tips work on “only” 3/4 of the women you try them on, then you’re not doing too damn bad, and you might want to change your focus a bit, and realize that this is a better average than most men will EVER achieve in their entire lifetimes…And, as your attitude changes, you’ll probably notice even MORE success with the women you meet.
I’ll talk to you again soon.
Your Friend, David D., Author, Double Your Dating