Direct Answers - Column for the week of September 18, 2000
By Wayne and Tamara Mitchell
Woe Is Me
I was in a five year relationship with my brother-in-law's sister, and she left me for someone else. Over the years, I built so many dreams with her I still can't accept what happened.
Then I met this gal who was my office colleague. She is beautiful, intelligent, full of energy, and a great sincere friend. She made me forget my worries and made me laugh. I was attracted to her and she was attracted to me, but neither of us confessed our feelings until she accepted a great job offer in another country.
When her plans came through, I just about went crazy. She had two weeks to gather her things and leave. We spent time together as though there was no tomorrow, and I was at the airport to send her off. When she hugged me to say goodbye, she said "I love you" and walked through the gates to board the plane, taking my heart and soul with her.
We keep in touch by phone and e-mail almost every day. I missed her so much I went to see her for two weeks. During that time, we talked a lot. She wants to make me her life partner. Though I love her with all my heart, I have not healed from my wound. I don't think I ever will.
When I see my ex-girlfriend at family gatherings, I know I am hurting myself hoping for something which will never happen. I am also hurting the girl who loves me so much. My uncertainty is ruining her. She is changing from a happy, confident girl to a sad, lonely girl in a foreign land. Help me please.
Wes, I once heard a man say, in a radio interview, he had a good life until his wife left him. When the interviewer asked him how long ago that was, he said, "Thirty-five years." How long do you want to spend languishing over this dead relationship? Your entire life?
When you talk about your brother-in-law's sister, I sense emptiness and negativity. When you speak of this new woman, you speak with life, vitality, and passion. We don't know if she is the right one for you. We do know you need to move forward, embracing the positive.
Now you are like the carrier of a virus. A negative virus has infected you, and you are spreading it to others. When you make choices based on positives, things may or may not work out. Either way you will have no regrets.
An Unwelcome Addition
I have been living with what I thought was the man of my dreams. Lately we have spent time apart, and it has given me time to think about our relationship. He wants me to have breast implants, because he loves large breasts. I feel he doesn't accept me for who I am.
We had a heated discussion about our future and wrote out our goals. His goals involve him, him, and more him. My goals involve us. Why do I feel getting out would be better for me in the long run?
Madeleine, do we need to go any further than this? His goals involve only himself. He is the one who loves large breasts. Let him pay for them, let him go under the knife, let him carry them around the rest of his life.
Breast augmentation is a serious undertaking. You don't do this as a reaction to anyone else, or to satisfy anyone else. Why do you want out? Because you don't want this.
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF (www.YourOtherHalf.com).
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